I was raped twice by two different men in the space of 6 months in my late twenties. There were a number of reasons I didn’t report my rapes; I didn’t want to hurt a friend (her husband raped me), I had been drinking on both occasions – I assumed I would not be believed by the police or that the case would not get to court or on the slim chance that it did I thought it would be difficult to prove and I didn’t want to be “dragged through court” for nothing.I wasn’t ashamed. I knew what had happened was rape. Actually, that’s not quite accurate, there were some elements of shame that occurred from internalised victim-blaming myths – I believed I should have looked after myself better, I should have got a taxi home rather than put myself to bed in an unoccupied bedroom at a friend’s party. Rationally I knew this didn’t give anyone the right to rape but the thoughts and feelings still came to me. I know both times that the perpetrators knew that it was rape. I believe on both occasions it was premeditated and predatory.One of the main reasons I didn’t report either of my rapes was that I didn’t want my parents to be hurt or upset by what had happened to me. I was not a child. I was 28 years old but I lived locally to my parents after several years of living away, if I had reported, they would have had to know, it wouldn’t have been something I could hide.I didn’t report on either occasion. I didn’t tell two of the people in my life who possibly could have supported me. This seemed normal to me at the time. I grew up not telling the truth about things to avoid conflict.I am curious how many other women have not reported for this reason. I know there are a myriad reasons that rape does not get reported but I haven’t come across people not reporting because they want to protect their parents from hurt. Maybe it is just me and a peculiarity of our family dynamic but I doubt it.I recently celebrated my 40th birthday, I now have two little girls of my own. I do not want them to grow up believing that I need protecting from painful experiences that they may have. I want them to grow up knowing that I would believe them and support them in whatever way they need should anything ever happen to them.No parent likes to think about that possibility but the statistics tell us the likelihood of some sort of sexual harassment or sexual violence. I want to start a conversation with mums and dads. How can we ensure our children of any age know that we are safe to tell? That we can handle it, that we will be there. Do we know how to respond sensitively to disclosures of rape or sexual assault? If this is a barrier for other people breaking their silence then it would be a worthwhile conversation.I went on to volunteer on a rape helpline for 3 years. I know not all parents are safe to tell. I know some deny and reject but I want to talk to the mums and dads who would want their children to be able to talk to them. Are we equipping ourselves to hear our children? Do they know they can tell us?#DaughterYouCanTellMe #SonYouCanTellMe
youcantellme.org 